Alligator Shoes
A Young Blonde, on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of
alligator shoes, but was reluctant to pay high New Orleans
prices. "I'll just catch my own alligator," she told one
shopkeeper," so I can get a pair of shoes for free." She stomped
out of the store and headed for the swamp.
Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the blonde
standing waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand, with a huge
alligator closing in.
She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes. The
shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled to haul the
carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators
were lined up.
"Oh, no!" the blonde shouted in dismay. "This one isn't wearing
any shoes either!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served.
Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
------------------------------------------------------------------
Special At Church
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave
the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from
across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told
him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come
on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what
to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the
confessional.
A few minutes later, a woman comes in and says, "Father forgive
me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?" The
woman says, "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no
more." A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He
says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest:"How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no
more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the
priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father
forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi:"What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week,
three for $5."
-------------------------------------------------------
Men are like Lava Lamps--Fun to look at, but not very bright.
***
"Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine."
-Robert C. Gallagher
***
Mason-Dixon: The line that separates youse from y'all.
***
"Life is cheap. It's the accessories that kill you." -Unknown
------------------------------------------------------------
A telephone repair man joined the Army. As part of his basic
training, he went out on the rifle range. He fired 99 shots
at the target, and missed the target with every shot! His
Drill Instructor tried to find out why.
"What's the matter with you?" shouted the DI. "Why can't you
hit the target? What were you in civilian life?"
"I was a telephone repair man," replied the recruit, "and I
don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see..."
The man checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, checked
his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of
the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his
finger off!
"Well," the phone man said, writhing in pain, "the bullets
are leaving this end here fine. The trouble must be on the
other end!"
------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy was caught swearing by his teacher. "Jeffrey,"
she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where
did you hear it?"
"My daddy said it." he responded.
"Well, it doesn't matter," explained the teacher, "you don't
know even what it means."
"I do, so!" Jeffrey corrected. "It means the car won't start."
*------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Teacher: Max, use "defeat," "defense" and "detail" in a sen-
tence.
Max: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over
defence before detail.
____________________________________________________________
A retired cobbler has staged a rehearsal for his funeral to ensure that everything goes well on the big day.
Alexandru Nitu, 71, asked friends and relatives to the service at the Romanian village of Afumati. Nitu said: "I said to myself: maybe my five children wouldn't do this properly after I am dead. Now I am sure I've everything I need."
The service had to be abandoned when mourners would not stop laughing.
----------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell if an elephant has been in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter.
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor's office. He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "I'm having a baby."
With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She answered, "He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked, "Then why did you eat him?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The police officer: “You were exceeding the speed limit, ma’am, weren’t you?”
The driver: “Yes, I was, sir, but you see my brakes are so bad that I wanted to get home before I had an accident.”
**************************************************
It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held he package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!" SURPRISE!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Two drunken men were driving home. The first started screaming: - Jim, watch out for the wall, watch out for the waaaaall! Baaaaam! They hit the wall. The next day in the hospital the first man asked his friend: - You good for nothing, I've been screaming for you to watch out, why didn't you? Jim answered him: - IT WAS YOU DRIVING!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"
------------------------------------------------------------------
Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”
The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”
Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”
“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”
Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”
There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMPUTER TERMS - TEXAS TRANSLATION:
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time
PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season
BYTE: What them dang flies do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work theparrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Without much of a choice, the chauffeur climbed in the back of the limo and the Pope took the wheel.
After gleefully accelerating to about 90 mph, the Pope was pulled over by the State Patrol. The trooper came to his window, took a look inside, and said, "Just a moment, please. I need to call in."
The trooper called in and asked for the chief. He told the chief, "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."
The chief replied, "Who is it? A senator?"
The trooper said, "No, even more important."
The chief asked, "It's the Governor, isn't it?"
"No. More important."
"The President?"
"No. More important."
"Well, Who the heck is it?!," screams the chief.
"I don't know," said the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Saddam Hussein's doctor called a meeting of all the Saddam look-alikes.
"Well, men, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is: Saddam is still alive.
The bad news is: he lost an arm!"
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
ALPHABET
While working as a television news camerman, I arrived at an accident scene, and a cameraman from another station pulled up behind me. As I parked the news cruiser, I heard a policeman on the scanner using the radio phonetic alphabet to alert other officers. "Be aware that the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha has arrived," he said.
I approached the officer, looked him in the eye and said, "You might be surprised to know that some of us in the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha can Sierra Papa Echo Lima Lima."
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
PRICELESS ART
A man walks into a glass shop, interested in buying an expensive art piece to keep as a family heirloom. One gorgeous glass art piece catches his eye under the banner "UNBREAKABLE." However, it has no price marked.
"Pardon me," he says to the shopkeeper, "but what is the price on this piece marked "unbreakable"?
"One hundred thousand dollars." replies the storekeeper.
Gasping for his next breath, he inquired why the price should be so high.
"Like the sign says, it's unbreakable!" To be sure, the man asked again if this item was indeed unbreakable. The owner again assured him it was so. The third time the man asked, the keeper was a bit terse and told him to buy the piece and see for himself that it would not break.
The man greatly admired the piece, and so he paid the $100,000 and took it home, where it was put on display in a protective case. He had an occasion to visit the glass shop again the next month and told the storekeeper how much care he had taken to protect and preserve the beautiful piece. As he looks around, he sees one of the pieces he'd seen the month before, which was only $500, now sitting under the "UNBREAKABLE" banner.
"Excuse me, but how can that piece be unbreakable, too - it only costs $500, and last month was in the display cabinet mixed together with these other pieces!"
"No, it's one hundred thousand dollars - it's unbreakable, now, too." the storekeeper replied.
"How can you be so sure?" he demands.
"Because the nincompoop who pays 100 grand for that thing is going to take as much care with *it* as you did with yours!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was not feeling well. so she visited her doctor. The good doctor, after giving her a thorough examination, said grimly, "Mrs Goode, I am sorry to have to say this, but if you want to get well again you would have to lose a foot."
"What!?! You mean my foot has to be amputated?"
"Oh, no, no..." replied the good doctor, "I mean you have to lose a foot from around your waistline!"
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
LITTLE MOUSE
My little girl loves animals, but one day she was bitten by a small field mouse she'd found. She carried it home in her pocket and told me what happened. Worried about rabies, I called our town humane society and was told that the animal would have to be examined, and they'd send someone for it.
When the humane-society truck pulled up, a big man got out, put on a pair of gauntlets and took a capture stick and cage from the back of the truck. Trying not to laugh, I handed him a shoe box containing the mouse.
"Lady," he said, seeing my expression, "they only told me it was a wild animal."
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
KEEPING SECRETS
Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her."
"Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her."
"Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing: It's the only type of
cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do
such cooking, the following events are put into motion.
1) The woman goes to the store.
2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
[Bar-b-cues are about meat. Salad doesn't play a role. The
only vegetables present should be onions, tomatoes and
possibly cucumbers, but these should all be served raw. As
for dessert, if you're still hungry you didn't buy enough
meat.]
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a
tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it
to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
[Men are do-it-yourselfers by nature. If a man's wife or
girlfriend is seasoning his steaks or mixing his hamburgers
the chances are he is looking over her shoulder anyway. And
beer is a necessary bar-b-cuing tool.]
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the
vegetables.
[No need to check the vegetables...just slice them. No need
to set the table, just carry a stack of plates out the the
picnic table.]
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is
burning.
[This is NOT burning. This is called char-broiling. You pay
an extra ten dollars in a steak house for that.]
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the
woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
[Once again...no preparation is needed as long as they're
stacked on the picnic table.]
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
[That's why God invented garden hoses.]
10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her "night off."
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's
just no pleasing some women.
Barbecuing is a ritual, a right of passage passed down from
father to son. Women just don't understand.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as
they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat." -Fran Lebowitz
***
"If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would
have something to do with a shortage of flowers."
--Doug Larson
***
Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says to them, "Get
out! We don't serve your type here."
------------------------------------------------------------
My little girl loves animals, but one day she was bitten by
a small field mouse she'd found. She carried it home in her
pocket and told me what happened. Worried about rabies, I
called our town humane society and was told that the animal
would have to be examined, and they'd send someone for it.
When the humane-society truck pulled up, a big man got out,
put on a pair of gauntlets and took a capture stick and cage
from the back of the truck. Trying not to laugh, I handed
him a shoe box containing the mouse.
"Lady," he said, seeing my expression, "they only told me it
was a wild animal."
[Thanks to Reader's Digest.]
------------------------------------------------------------
While working as a television news camerman, I arrived at an
accident scene, and a cameraman from another station pulled
up behind me. As I parked the news cruiser, I heard a
policeman on the scanner using the radio phonetic alphabet
to alert other officers. "Be aware that the Mike Echo Delta
India Alpha has arrived," he said.
I approached the officer, looked him in the eye and said,
"You might be surprised to know that some of us in the Mike
Echo Delta India Alpha can Sierra Papa Echo Lima Lima."
*------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the
secret I told you not to tell her."
"Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell
you I told her."
"Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that
she told me."
____________________________________________________________
Saddam Hussein's doctor called a meeting of all the Saddam look-alikes.
"Well, men, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is: Saddam is still alive.
The bad news is: he lost an arm!"
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
ALPHABET
While working as a television news camerman, I arrived at an accident scene, and a cameraman from another station pulled up behind me. As I parked the news cruiser, I heard a policeman on the scanner using the radio phonetic alphabet to alert other officers. "Be aware that the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha has arrived," he said.
I approached the officer, looked him in the eye and said, "You might be surprised to know that some of us in the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha can Sierra Papa Echo Lima Lima."
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
PRICELESS ART
A man walks into a glass shop, interested in buying an expensive art piece to keep as a family heirloom. One gorgeous glass art piece catches his eye under the banner "UNBREAKABLE." However, it has no price marked.
"Pardon me," he says to the shopkeeper, "but what is the price on this piece marked "unbreakable"?
"One hundred thousand dollars." replies the storekeeper.
Gasping for his next breath, he inquired why the price should be so high.
"Like the sign says, it's unbreakable!" To be sure, the man asked again if this item was indeed unbreakable. The owner again assured him it was so. The third time the man asked, the keeper was a bit terse and told him to buy the piece and see for himself that it would not break.
The man greatly admired the piece, and so he paid the $100,000 and took it home, where it was put on display in a protective case. He had an occasion to visit the glass shop again the next month and told the storekeeper how much care he had taken to protect and preserve the beautiful piece. As he looks around, he sees one of the pieces he'd seen the month before, which was only $500, now sitting under the "UNBREAKABLE" banner.
"Excuse me, but how can that piece be unbreakable, too - it only costs $500, and last month was in the display cabinet mixed together with these other pieces!"
"No, it's one hundred thousand dollars - it's unbreakable, now, too." the storekeeper replied.
"How can you be so sure?" he demands.
"Because the nincompoop who pays 100 grand for that thing is going to take as much care with *it* as you did with yours!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was not feeling well. so she visited her doctor. The good doctor, after giving her a thorough examination, said grimly, "Mrs Goode, I am sorry to have to say this, but if you want to get well again you would have to lose a foot."
"What!?! You mean my foot has to be amputated?"
"Oh, no, no..." replied the good doctor, "I mean you have to lose a foot from around your waistline!"
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
LITTLE MOUSE
My little girl loves animals, but one day she was bitten by a small field mouse she'd found. She carried it home in her pocket and told me what happened. Worried about rabies, I called our town humane society and was told that the animal would have to be examined, and they'd send someone for it.
When the humane-society truck pulled up, a big man got out, put on a pair of gauntlets and took a capture stick and cage from the back of the truck. Trying not to laugh, I handed him a shoe box containing the mouse.
"Lady," he said, seeing my expression, "they only told me it was a wild animal."
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
KEEPING SECRETS
Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her."
"Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her."
"Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing: It's the only type of
cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do
such cooking, the following events are put into motion.
1) The woman goes to the store.
2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
[Bar-b-cues are about meat. Salad doesn't play a role. The
only vegetables present should be onions, tomatoes and
possibly cucumbers, but these should all be served raw. As
for dessert, if you're still hungry you didn't buy enough
meat.]
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a
tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it
to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
[Men are do-it-yourselfers by nature. If a man's wife or
girlfriend is seasoning his steaks or mixing his hamburgers
the chances are he is looking over her shoulder anyway. And
beer is a necessary bar-b-cuing tool.]
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the
vegetables.
[No need to check the vegetables...just slice them. No need
to set the table, just carry a stack of plates out the the
picnic table.]
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is
burning.
[This is NOT burning. This is called char-broiling. You pay
an extra ten dollars in a steak house for that.]
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the
woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
[Once again...no preparation is needed as long as they're
stacked on the picnic table.]
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
[That's why God invented garden hoses.]
10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her "night off."
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's
just no pleasing some women.
Barbecuing is a ritual, a right of passage passed down from
father to son. Women just don't understand.
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"Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as
they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat." -Fran Lebowitz
***
"If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would
have something to do with a shortage of flowers."
--Doug Larson
***
Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says to them, "Get
out! We don't serve your type here."
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My little girl loves animals, but one day she was bitten by
a small field mouse she'd found. She carried it home in her
pocket and told me what happened. Worried about rabies, I
called our town humane society and was told that the animal
would have to be examined, and they'd send someone for it.
When the humane-society truck pulled up, a big man got out,
put on a pair of gauntlets and took a capture stick and cage
from the back of the truck. Trying not to laugh, I handed
him a shoe box containing the mouse.
"Lady," he said, seeing my expression, "they only told me it
was a wild animal."
[Thanks to Reader's Digest.]
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While working as a television news camerman, I arrived at an
accident scene, and a cameraman from another station pulled
up behind me. As I parked the news cruiser, I heard a
policeman on the scanner using the radio phonetic alphabet
to alert other officers. "Be aware that the Mike Echo Delta
India Alpha has arrived," he said.
I approached the officer, looked him in the eye and said,
"You might be surprised to know that some of us in the Mike
Echo Delta India Alpha can Sierra Papa Echo Lima Lima."
*------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the
secret I told you not to tell her."
"Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell
you I told her."
"Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that
she told me."
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